Sex Talk: Virginity

by - 10:00

*DISCLAIMER*
By writing this series I am in no way claiming to be some sort of 'sex expert', I'm literally just an 18 year old girl who likes talking about sex. Everything written is my opinion and advice from my experiences, but I will try and cover as much as I can to help everyone.

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The big V! Whether you think of it as just being a social construct or not, it's a big part of a lot of people's lives. There's a first for everything, and a lot of people would agree that having sex for the first time is up there with the big ones.

Before you lose your virginity, it's a BIG thing. Everyone who is anyone is talking about it and the majority of people feel this immense pressure to lose it, fast! But what is all the fuss about? Today I'm going to be discussing virginity, specifically losing it.


MY DEFINITION OF VIRGINITY

First of all, I would like to discuss my definition for 'losing your virginity'. Of course definitions change for different people depending on mindset and circumstances, but I am talking about my personal definition of 'losing it', which is penis-in-vagina intercourse for the first time. So that's what I will be discussing in this post.


MY STORY

A little insight into my story, I, just like anyone, felt a huge pressure to lose my virginity. A lot of my peers lost their virginity pretty early (high school), while I was still rocking the V card well into college. I never had a proper boyfriend (because somehow I repelled boys or something) and I didn't want to just have sex for the sake of it. I mean it's not like I wasn't ready, because trust me, I was ready, but the right person just hadn't come along yet. And before you ask, yes, I was one of those sappy girls who wanted to lose it to someone special.

After a very (at the time) traumatic experience featuring a boy I liked, I was just about ready to give up on the male species all together. And then I met my boyfriend. I fell for him straight away and after a few months of talking and going on a few dates, we got together (cries because I finally got someone to like me back).

We dated for just over four months before we decided that we were finally ready to have sex for the first time. It was a BIG FUCKING DEAL and 16 (almost 17) year old me was feeling a lot of emotions. I knew that I was ready, but anyone who's been through it will understand that once it's actually happening you can't help but feel slightly nervous. But I loved my boyfriend and he loved me. We both saw eye to eye when it came to sex, meaning we both thought of sex as more than just sex, so I knew that we were on the same page.

That was just under two years ago now and after growing into a very sexually awakened woman who loves nothing more than a good sex chat amongst friends, I would like to offer some advice and tips. So whether you're planning to lose your virginity way into the future, in the near future, or you've already lost it but you just love reading/talking about sex and are generally very nosey, then keep reading. 


HOW TO KNOW WHEN YOURE READY

The first step to losing your virginity is being ready. And I am going to give you the same answer that I'm sure everyone will give, only you will know. Only you will know when you are truly ready to lose your virginity. Do not give into this peer pressure bullshit, which I'm sure is surrounding you like a predator hunting it's prey right about now. It's your body. Your life. Your experiences. And you are the only one who can determine whether you are actually ready to have sex.

It doesn't matter whether the people around you are having sex or not, because that's their life, not yours. Focus on you. If your friends and peers are ready to have sex early on then good for them. But that doesn't mean that you have to be having sex too.

Sex doesn't need to happen here and now and when everyone else is doing it. Wait until you know you're ready.

Also, if you're in a relationship and your partner is ready to have sex and you're not, don't let them pressure you. Your body is not theirs to own and if they have any respect for you then they will wait until you are ready (and if they do pressure you and make you feel bad about it, then they're not worth having sex with ever). And of course, similarly, if you're ready to have sex but your partner is not, then you must respect them and be patient.


DOES IT HURT?!

I think two of the main questions girls have regarding losing your virginity are "does it hurt?" And "do you bleed?" The answer to both is yes and no. Some girls experience pain, some girls do not. Some girls bleed, and some do not. Every girl is different.

I experienced pain when I lost my virginity, and at the time I didn't fully understand why, but after doing a little research it was so simple to understand. From what I have read, the main cause of pain during sex for the first time is down to feeling nervous. You have to remember that the vagina is a muscle, and what happens to muscles when you're nervous/anxious? They tense. So during a possibly nerve wracking time such as losing your virginity, your body can become quite tense which makes for a fairly uncomfortable experience.

There are of course other reasons that can result in pain, including not being lubricated enough or not being aroused enough, perhaps the pressure or speed is too much, or maybe it's just not a great position for you. If you want to prevent experiencing pain I suggest spending extra time on foreplay, using lube, taking it slow especially at first and simply try to be as relaxed and as calm as possible.

NOTE: if you do experience pain during this time, I suggest waiting a few days until the soreness has completely gone before you have sex again. I had sex again the next day, and I can tell you, it was a bad idea. Usually the soreness should only last for up to a day and no more, but it's better to wait a little longer to be safe.

2ND NOTE: generally, sex shouldn't hurt at all. In this case I am only talking about sex for the first time which is completely normal, but if you experience pain during sex anytime after this, I suggest visiting your GP or a sexual health clinic.

When a woman bleeds after having sex for the first time, it is completely normal. Bleeding occurs when the hymen (a thin layer of skin over the opening of the vagina) is broken, which of course can happen with penetration. But there are so many ways that a hymen can break, including horseback

riding and using tampons, so chances are that your hymen has probably already broken. But if you do experience bleeding, then don't panic because it's completely normal.


IT WONT BE LIKE THE MOVIES

When you're having sex for the first time it won't be all fireworks and orgasms like it's often portrayed on TV, so don't be expecting some sort of 50 shades of grey shit. For some bizarre, unknown reason films and TV programmes have the tendency to showcase losing your virginity as this instantly pleasurable experience, and I hate to break it to you, but that's not quite how it happens. 

In terms of physical pleasure, if you're not feeling any kind of pain, you'll feel nothing. Unlike men, it takes a few tries before us women start to feel any kind of pleasure from sex. Now every woman is different so some women might start to feel pleasure from the second or third encounter, and for 
some women it might not happen until the tenth, but it's completely normal. 

Something that also gets portrayed (quite wrongly) in the media is the emotional changes that happen after losing your virginity. Whenever I'm watching a film or a TV programme where one of the characters loses their virginity, they show it to be some sort of gate opening to a utopia of confidence, happiness and instant maturity. Again, I hate to break it to you, but that doesn't happen either. You're still the exact same you that you were before you had sex. 

Of course a lot of the after effects of losing your virginity kinda depend on who you lose it with. If you lose it to someone who you have an emotional connection with (a boyfriend or girlfriend) then it's likely that you'll also feel some sort of emotional connection to the experience itself. If you lose it to someone who you don't really have any romantic feelings for then it's likely that you won't feel any great emotions to what just happened. 

NOTE: the best portrayal of losing your virginity that I've seen (in the media) is a film called 'The First Time'. It's a great film and I strongly recommend.


TIPS (no pun intended):

- Keep communication open at all times. Talk to your partner about your feelings before, during and after sex. It's important to know that you're both on the same page. If you're having doubts about being ready, talk to them. If you feel uncomfortable, talk to them. If there's anything that you're not happy with then you need to talk to them about it. It may be a little awkward at first, but it's necessary.

- Take it slow and keep it simple. There's no need for fancy positions with names that you can't even pronounce, missionary will do. You don't have to impress anyone and you don't need to go in full force on the first try. Take it easy.

- Be sober. If you're sat thinking to yourself that being drunk will help your nerves and make everything easier, then you're wrong. There's nothing wrong with having a small drink for Dutch courage, but being drunk will decrease your ability to actually function, let alone enjoy it or even remember it!

- FOREPLAY! Many say that foreplay is overrated, I disagree.

- Be prepared, be on contraception. I don't think I need to explain this, but to make things run smoother and to prevent getting pregnant, be on contraception. I've had bad personal experiences with condoms, so I definitely feel like being on the pill or some other form of contraception is the best way to go. But if you want to make sure that you are definitely protected against any kind of STI or STD, then I suggest using a condom also (this is only necessary if one of 
you has been sexually active previously).


Sex for the first time, is sex for the first time. Just like any first, it probably won't go how you wanted it to go and it most definitely won't be perfect. But the beauty of sex is that you can do it as many times as you want. Over time you'll gain experience, you'll learn what you like and what you don't like, and eventually you'll be having the best sex that works for you. If it doesn't go as you imagined it then don't worry, you'll have many years to make it right (and you never know, it might turn into an interesting story one day).


Thank you so much for reading. I really hope you like this new series, let me know in the comments. Also, if you have any sex topics that you would like me to cover or any questions to answer, please feel free to leave them in the comments below.


If you liked this post, please make sure to share and follow! I would also appreciate it if you followed me on all of my social media. Thank you. Caitlin x

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4 comments

  1. If you are not going to have sex "for the sake of it" I think the biggest thing is to wait until you are with the man you want to marry, and who wants to marry you. Having sex is a big deal, and even if you think he is your forever bf, you are likely to stay with him longer than you should because of your own judgment of yourself - you lost your virginity to him, that must mean it will work out/you need to do everything to make it work no matter what. This can be destructive and draining. There is no right age, but in my opinion if you are at a stage in your life where you'll be doing it at yours or his parents house, or must sneak in any way, that's too young. Wait until your first time together can be during a romantic trip together, candle, champagne and all! It will be worth it. I totally agree with Caitlin that there's a lot of pressure in high school, I was 21 when I "lost" (I wish we could "win" instead!) my virginity and I don't regret not doing it before. Good luck everyone and be safe Xx

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  2. I feel that all the peer pressure made you over think having sex.
    Me and my friend lost ours together and it was completely spontaneous.
    No planning or anything.
    I guess it means more to some people then it does to others

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    Replies
    1. Everyone's experiences are different so you can't really compare, but I see where you're coming from. But for me, I never gave into peer pressure, I did mention that I felt the pressure but in the end it never really affected me. It did mean a lot to me, sex has always meant more than just sex to me and I'm happy with the choice that I made. I'm glad that I waited, I'm glad that it was planned and I'm glad that it was with someone who means a lot to me. I understand that to some people it doesn't mean much, and that view is different to mine, but I still respect it. However people lose it, it's their choice, and as long as people are happy with their decisions then that's all I care about.

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  3. I enjoyed reading this. It's truly insightful and you're spot on on your advice. I'm 29 years old and I wish I read this when I was 18 or 19. I tell my sisters and nieces that they should wait till they are ready and do it for themselves not for anyone or because someone pressured them.
    Movies and romance novels just give virgins undue expectations. My first time I tot I'll see fireworks and would experience the greatest orgasm of my life, imagine my disappointment and the pain I felt. I couldn't pee without wincing in pain. Please writing about sex. I found your blog on twitter. Keep up the good work. Cheers!

    http://www.fehintolaogunye.com

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