A Tiny Little Rainbow

by - 10:00

Today's blog post was going to be a Q&A, but then something happened yesterday and I feel like writing about it. I'll still do my Q&A, but just sometime in future (you can follow my Twitter to know when I'm going to do it)

Yesterday I had an interview for an apprenticeship that I really wanted. I lost my apprenticeship a couple of months ago and this was the first interview that I had since. I was anxious about it. 

The night before I battled with myself, going back and forth between "I'm going, I can do it" and "I'm not going, I can't do it". I didn't manage to sleep because my mind wouldn't let me. When 6am rolled around I convinced myself to go, and I proceeded to take things step-by-step to make it easier. 

First I got up and had breakfast, watched something on Netflix, and told myself "I'm okay, I'm just having breakfast".

I then started getting ready and proceeded to do my makeup, so I told myself "I'm okay, I'm just doing my makeup".

I picked out my clothes and packed my bag, "I'm okay, I'm just getting ready".

Then I left the house and got the metro into town, "I'm okay, I'm just going into town".

The metro started to fill up, and I couldn't hold on to the "I'm okay" anymore. I wasn't okay. In fact I could feel myself falling apart there and then. 

As the journey progressed, more and more people got on. I could almost feel their eyes, hear their thoughts. The closer we got into town, the weaker I became. I was fighting for oxygen. I could feel my bones shaking. I was so vulnerable. This is how I feel every time I go outside.

When the metro pulled up to my stop I got off as fast as I could and looked at the floor to avoid all eye contact. As soon as I came up from underground, I went towards the closest shop and stood against the wall. 

I could already feel myself starting to panic, but I had a bus to catch, Unfortunately, I didn't know the exact stop that I had to get it from. So I stood there watching the buses go by, searching for the number I was getting and seeing what stop it stopped at. I never saw my number. 

With my growing concern I walked down to where all of the bus stops were and looked at all of the boards and the numbers. It was all so confusing and time was running out. I felt like an idiot as I walked past people, clearly lost. I became overwhelmed and all of a sudden I was presented with that all too familiar feeling. I had a panic attack.

I won't go into details about it since I can't really remember too much, but I know that it lasted about 15 minutes. 

Afterwards, I sat in one of the bus stops for about half an hour or so. I drank some water and tried to ground myself. I felt so distant. Every person who walked past felt a million miles away. I didn't even exist. I felt like a failure. I felt like I had once again let myself and everyone around me down. This anxiety of mine has a hold on me, a very tight grip that no matter how hard I try or how many therapy sessions I have, I can't escape.

I didn't want to go home yet, going home would be like laying down and admitting defeat (plus I had spent £3.90 on a metro ticket so I sort of want to get my money's worth). I decided to go to a coffee shop, order something and sit down until I was ready to leave. 

I sat in that coffee shop for probably about an hour, an hour and a half. I was a complete mess, swallowing back the tears so I don't flood the place. Then I look down and what do I see? The light from the window had caused one of those multicoloured reflections. A tiny little rainbow resting upon my hand. And all of a sudden I felt, content. 

Perhaps I wasn't meant to go to that interview. Perhaps I was meant to sit there in that exact spot and witness a rainbow. 

I've never believed in 'everything happens for a reason' because that comes with the idea that life is pre-planned, and I don't believe in that. But I do believe in silver linings and that good can come from bad. Maybe this is a sign to show that something better will come along. 

Sometimes you have to miss a few important things to see a rainbow. You never know, the rainbow might turn out to be better.

Thank you so much for reading. It would mean a lot to me if you could share this post and follow my blog! I would also really appreciate it if you followed my social media. Thank you. 

 Caitlin x

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  1. Oh my goodness, reading this made me really want to help you in that situation. I have just got an apprenticeship I am going to be starting soon. Is loosing your apprenticeship something personal or something you could talk to me about? Do you have any tips for apprenticeships we could talk about? Before interviews I get so nervous that my hands are shaking doing my makeup and I can't eat which makwa me feel weird. I get anxiety without the panic attacks but I really understood what you was going through. I have an apprenticeship close to home so I really admire you for being able to travel! Xx


    1. Thank you so much for your comment. I'm willing to talk to you about anything that you wish, if you just DM me on Twitter or something I'll happily answer any questions you have xx

  2. I'm with you on the dislike of thinking about life as pre-planned. I try and follow the "whatever happens, happens" policy and it helped me out with my depression pretty well. Admittedly, so did rainbows. Glad you made it that far, good luck with your next outing :)