A Letter To Anxiety

by - 12:28

Dear Anxiety,

I hate you. I hate you for so many reasons.

I hate that you've ruined my life. I hate that you make every small task feel like the largest task. I hate that you've made me miss out on so many opportunities and memories. I hate that you spoil my relationships with people and make me seem ignorant. I hate that you make me fear everything, simple things. I hate that, because of you, I can't talk on the phone with my own boyfriend, or make my own appointments, or have any kind of social life, or that I can't get on busy public transport without feeling like I can't breathe or like I'm going to throw up. I hate that I missed so much school because of you, having to fake illnesses every other week and then face the wrath of, not only the teachers, but the students too. I hate that you repeated that throughout college, resulting in me dropping out. And I now hate that you're still continuing it whilst I'm at work. I'm sick of you forcing me to see the same four walls day in, day out. I'm sick of you making me cry, and I'm sick of feeling stupid and useless. I'm sick of feeling every single emotion all day everyday. I don't want to be anxious, I don't want to be angry, or irritated, or upset, but you make me that way. I hate that for all of my life, you've forced me to be "the shy girl that never speaks and goes red whenever she's just as much as looked at". I have a personality, and if it weren't for you, I would love myself.

I've been dealing with you since I was twelve years old and everyday you seem to grow in force. You always find new ways of making me weaker. In a way, my hatred for you, is also a hatred for myself. I hate myself for being weak against you. I hate myself for allowing you to do this to me. I hate myself for not asking for help sooner and letting it get this bad. Whenever I can't do something, it's always you. After all, I am your prisoner. But I want to be free. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to fear things and not have an explanation as to why. I don't want to have panic attacks anymore. I want to be the real me, and trust me, I'm trying, but you keep getting in the way.

I'm going to get therapy again and, in time, you'll fade. Perhaps not totally, but enough for me to manage you. I guess for now we have to live with each other. But I still hate you.


Caitlin Steele.

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  1. Ahh Caitin sometime I feel like that

  2. Rachel Caithness6/29/2016 2:51 pm

    I'm sorry I never seen how much of a struggle you have had because of my own issues... you can beat this though Caity lou... you are strong even though it doesn't feel you are at times. Never give up and always try ur best to beat it. I love you so much and I'm incredibly proud of the gorgeous young lady you are. Rachy xxx