2015: A Reflection of My Year

by - 13:00

2015 has been a strange year for me, it's been one of those years where I can't quite work out whether it's been a good year, or a bad year. If anyone ever asked, I'd probably say it's been a good year, but that's just me being positive. And while so many good things have happened, there have also been bad things. 

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I remember the beginning of this year so clearly. New Year's Eve. I was in my bedroom, sat on the floor, alone, and I started the year off crying (with happiness). I received a message from my friend saying happy new year, and I pretty much broke down. I felt so happy that I had good friends who cared about me, I felt so happy that I had met my boyfriend at this point (although he wasn't my boyfriend yet). Even though I already had my own problems, I still felt so happy that I actually cried with happiness. It's sad to say that the rest of the year wasn't as happy. 

At this time I was dealing with serious anxiety and depression issues, I still am to this day. I was having panic attacks every time I went into college, I closed myself off from people and I just stayed home all the time, I had no social life, and no energy to find one. Things got so bad that I ended up dropping out of college, which I don't regret, but I'll come to that later. Two months later I went to my GP and started having cognitive behavioral therapy through CAMHS. Although this helped me a little, that's all I was doing. I was applying for apprenticeships and jobs, but I couldn't make it to the interviews because I had a panic attack every single time. My life for a solid few months was sitting at home, watching movies, sleeping, eating and going to therapy. I must say, they aren't my most treasured memories. 

Unfortunately, I was dismissed from therapy a few months ago. I missed a few appointments and my mam didn't respond to the letter we received. So now, I'm not getting any help at all, and my mind is struggling. My depression seems pretty much non-existent now, but my anxiety still haunts me daily. I plan to go back to my GP in the new year to find help again.

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I lost a lot of friends in 2015. Simply just from leaving college, it's drastically reduced the amount of people that I come into contact with. I've never been a social butterfly (hence the social anxiety), but I used to have a lot of people that I would consider as friends. Obviously, growing apart from people is a part of growing up, but I just find it quite hard. I have less than a handful of genuine friends, and the rest are all people that I like, yes, but they're just people that I socialize with. But as they say, it's better to have strong relationships with a few people, than weak relationships with a lot of people.

Saying that, in the last few months, I have met a few people through mutual friends and work who I have become friends with, and I feel like with that I've become a lot more confident with my friendships. I just hope that my friendships with people only get better. 

Speaking of relationships, on February 6th, I started dating my boyfriend, Austin. He has been my rock. Literally. For me, he has made this year worthwhile, and I don't know what I would have done without him. I won't say much more, otherwise I'll start getting cheesy, but he's my best friend and I love him so very much. Thank you for being there for me.

I'd also like to say a big thank you to my best friend, Devon. You haven't exactly had the best year either, but we've got through it together. I love you so much and you really are one of the greatest friends a girl could ever ask for. I know you believe that everything happens for a reason, so let's hope that 2016 is a great year for us both. Thank you my little pineapple slice on a stick.

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 About mid October, I got an apprenticeship (if you don't know what an apprenticeship is, it's pretty much earning a qualification for your chosen field by working in a workplace while also earning a wage). So I'm currently doing an apprenticeship in Social Media and Digital Marketing for an acting school in the North East, and I love it. I find it more enjoyable being in an actual workplace rather than just a classroom and I feel like I'm getting more out of my time and effort. I definitely prefer it over college. If you want me to write a post about my apprenticeship and my thoughts on it so I can go into more detail, just let me know.

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In 2015, especially in the last few months, I've become a lot more comfortable and confident with who I am. I'm not saying that I love myself, because I most certainly don't, but I feel like I'm comfortable being who I am. I'll admit that sometimes I want to be someone else and I do waaayyy too much social media stalking and comparing to be completely confident in my own body, but I could be worse (and I have been worse). It isn't a bad thing to like myself, and it isn't a bad thing to appreciate and accept the things that I like and the way that I am. This is something that I want to continue to improve upon in 2016.

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The last part of this year has probably been the best. I finally feel like myself again, and I feel like my life isn't all that bad, and yes my anxiety needs attention, but apart from that everything's good? I don't really want to get all cheesy, but everything seems to be falling into place, and if I can get my mind under control, then maybe I'll finally feel content. That's what I'm aiming for in 2016, contentment. I'm not a fan of New Years resolutions, but in a nutshell, I want 2016 to be an amazing year. I want to build stronger relationships with people, I want to build a stronger, more positive mindset. And I want to be happy.

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As for everyone reading, I hope you have had a great 2015 yourself, and I hope that 2016 is an even better year for you.

Let's see shall we.

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Caitlin x

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